September 25, 2011

Honor's Reward

Another weekend at home with Grace and Justis. Another weekend with Bobby and the 3 middle children traveling and making music. I'm focused on being content with how things are right now. I really do enjoy being at home this year. I know that if and when I go back out there with Bobby that I will look back at my productive Saturdays and my restful Sunday afternoons with fondness. I am content but at the same time I miss my family and really would like to be out there with them. Looking back at last year I realize now that I was headed toward burnout. I was pregnant and emotional and then caring for Grace on the road was getting more and more difficult.

Speaking of Grace, it's her birthday tomorrow. I can NOT believe she'll be 13! I never dreamed 13 years ago that I'd still be changing her diapers and spoon-feeding her. These things weren't in my plans nor are they God's plans for her life...or mine. The Saturday before Labor Day I went to get Grace dressed for the day and, just in case you ever wondered, no, there's never a day goes by that I don't think about her healing. And just so you know what I think about that. I think...no, I KNOW, that God gave her her healing and we've received it. I rest in that and am totally confident in it. But it dawned on me this particular day to ask God what it was that was keeping that healing from manifesting. What is going on in the spiritual realm that is hindering this thing from happening?

That evening we all went to church. Bobby and the kids were singing about an hour west of Nashville the next morning so we could all go to Cornerstone together Saturday night. Guest speaker, John Bevere was preaching about honor. I had a question that morning about what was hindering Grace's healing and decided I should pray about what that was and that same day I felt like God was already revealing to me the answer to my question. Bobby bought the book for me and the CD set for himself so he could listen to it while driving.

Let me explain the connection between honor and Grace's healing. Mark 6:5 says that, "...He could do no mighty work there, except that He laid His hands on a few sick people and healed them." He COULD NOT do mighty miracles. Why? Verse 4 explains. "...Jesus said to them, "A prophet is not without honor except in his own country, among his own relatives and in his own house." The people around Him were familiar with Him. They'd watched Him grow up. They did not honor Him as someone great.

I saw the parallel in my own life as I listened to the sermon Saturday night. I didn't honor my husband. God's hands were tied.

The next morning, Grace and I watched John Bevere's message again, via the Internet. This was heavy to me as I began to realize the serious consequences of my attitude toward my husband.

Monday came and went and I never spoke with Bobby about this issue. Tuesday was no different. There was one thing different on Tuesday, however. I began to feel ill. The later the hour the sicker I began to feel. Not nauseous. Just heavy, sad, depressed, oppressed, bleak. It got worse until I went to bed thinking that maybe I just needed to sleep.

Wednesday morning I awoke and realized I still felt the same. I went to a nearby green-way and walked alone. Suddenly I realized what was going on. I felt terrible because I was under some heavy conviction. At least when I realized what was happening to me I felt a little bit better because I knew. But it wasn't until Thursday night after the kids were in bed that I had the opportunity to finally talk with Bobby.

I didn't stumble with my words, I didn't cry. I just told him that I was wrong and that I was very, very sorry. But I knew and even told him that this was only the beginning of my transformation. The longer something yucky like this has had it's claws in you, (years!) the deeper those claws have dug and it's gonna take some washing of my mind with the Word of God, and more time in the presence of Jesus to fix me.

I'm putting something out here for the whole world to see. I wasn't going to. I don't want to. But it's needful. I'm a work in progress as we all are and part of progressing is to be honest and admit my faults.

"...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ..." Phillipians 1:6

I've always been thankful for Eph 5:19 for Grace's sake. However, I think most of the time we're not supposed to keep silent in our praises (or the rocks will cry out) because it does something for us as well as the One we're praising. (Works the same way with our human relationships too) That's why I can go to church feeling terrible and leave feeling great. I'm needing to do that right now. Praise, that is...or just go to bed. Maybe both. It's been a long hard day...just like yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. The baby's crying every night and Grace is a drool factory as she is congested and has a canker sore. Yep sounds like I need to do the difficult and praise. I'll let ya know how that works.